Saturday, January 15, 2005

Actual Knitting Content!

This morning I picked up the rose Lamb's Pride shrug, and knitted a few rows. And watched the mohair shed. And thought, "Gosh, it's kind of hot to hold this on my lap to knit it." And thought, "Though I'm right on gauge, it looks like it's going to need some really vicious blocking to get it to the measurements in the pattern." And damn, look at that mohair shed.

And about four rows into these ruminations, I frogged it. I wasn't that far into it, maybe a foot, and honestly, what the hell was I thinking? If it's annoying me while I'm making it, when would I wear it? I wouldn't give a friend something that annoyed me too much to wear either, so it would end up in a drawer and eventually under a cat. Gone. Finito. Buh-bye.

Another blogger's (so sorry, I lost the link!) Monkey won my heart, and I bought Knitted Toys mostly for the monkey. I do love that monkey!

I've been thinking a lot about what I knit vs. what I should be knitting, what I have stashed v. what I really wish I had, and realized that I am happiest when I'm knitting accessories, bags, socks, toys, small items, as well as larger items like afghans once in a while. I have no need for scarves, one hat will last a lifetime, and even sweaters - pullovers are virtually useless in this climate, and I have enough cardigans. I still love to knit, I can't see giving it up, but I should be making monkeys, not Lamb's Pride shrugs too hot and hairy to wear. I need to make kids' toys and the occasional cotton tank top. That's my knitting reality.

I think All's Quiet on the Western Front - I talked to my mother last night. I can either talk to her or she will call constantly, getting increasingly frantic if she can't reach me, so answering the phone is far easier than paying the hysteria freight of letting it roll to voicemail. Anyway, they want to run a couple of tests on my dad because of some other symptoms he's having, but the doctor doesn't think it's serious. But of course you know DOCTORS NEVER TELL YOU THE TRUTH! That, along with THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A WRONG NUMBER, IT'S SOMEONE SPYING ON ME! are standards in my mother's paranoia repetoire. After a half hour of this, she says, and this honestly almost made me snort into the phone: "This is SO hard, it's been going on for days I'm so exhausted, I can't stand it, I just don't know what to dooooo...."

It is a measure of my self-control that I bit my tongue and didn't say what I was thiking: "Yeah, I know, I did it for two fucking years." Two years of medical crises, comas, hospital bed in the bedroom, walkers, wheelchairs, IVs, radiation, on and freaking on. He's in for a week and she's a helpless basket case. I sometimes can't believe these people actually gave birth to me.

I'm really looking forward to yoga class.


Geogrrl said...

God, your mother is channelling mine (or perhaps vice-versa). She gets hysterical if we're not where she expects us to be. If she calls and I'm not home, she'll leave a message, but if I don't call back ASAP, I get increasingly hysterical phone calls or she starts having my brothers call me, saying "Call Mom so she'll get off my back, will ya?"

Then there was the time my brother and his wife, living 1200 miles from me, but near my mother, did not call my mother right away after returning from a trip. She called ME three times to see if they'd shown up at my place or if I'd heard anything. I finally called my brother telling him to call Mom, because she was having kittens thinking they'd had a car accident or something.

Mom also freaks out if left alone in the house.

Catherine said...

I'm an only child. Take your share of the crap and add on all your siblings'. Oh, I didn't turn off the phone fast enough and she called on the way to yoga. It's truly a testimony to my instructor's ability to get me to pay attention that I got through the class at all, let alone got something out of it. Turban Boy never could have done it.

Geogrrl said...

Yeesh. It's times like that I'm glad I do have siblings. Being the only girl is bad enough. Being the only child would be... unpleasant.

Your Mom must have got you majorly PO'd if you were having serenity troubles during yoga. That's one thing I did like Iyengar yoga for--I had to concentrate so hard on positions I couldn't keep dwelling on whatever was annoying me at the time.

Catherine said...

In in a basic Anusara Yoga class, and I really like it and CAN concentrate on it, but when the phone call comes in right before I walk into the class, it takes a bit to get centered.

A minor miracle to report today - I had a pleasant and non-stressful conversation with my mother! Apparently my tough love approach is working, or something - she was calm, lucid, accurate in describing her conversation with the doctor, didn't say "I don't know!" even once, and actually laughed and asked about ME. I was nearly speechless. My dad is still in the ICU, they are running more tests, but he was watching football and told her to go home so he could get some sleep. But I'm thinking my instincts on handling this/her have been sound, she's better now, and I didn't rush over to bail her out. Fingers Crossed.

Pam said...

Not to think the whole world's about me but...was this the monkey?
She's actually a crochet pattern, Leisure Arts Crochet Sock Monkeys, to be exact.

Hang in there with your mom. You've obviously gained some wisdom about how to deal with her, just try and remember it mid-phone call.

And good for you for frogging something you know you won't like. I think that's the real reason people have so many UFO, they really don't want to finish them.

Geogrrl said...

That's great! It sounds like by not buying into your Mother's little co-dependent fantasy, you may have short-circuited that behaviour. Really, that kind of behaviour can only last as long as someone "feeds" it.

Yeah, it can be a little difficult to get centred when you're upset.

I was looking up the style of yoga that you're doing, and it sounds really good. My main experience has been with Iyengar, but let me know how it goes. There have certainly been positive reviews of the Anusara style of yoga.

Catherine said...

Pam: No, the monkey is a knitted one, in the book I linked in my post. The book is pretty good, I liked half the patterns in it, which is a pretty good deal for a knitting book, IMO.

And I've been handling my mother's issues for 30 years, but every meltdown is different. We are building up to the Big One, and we all know it, so how we interact here is crucial to how it will shake out. It's time for long-term decisions they have postponed for nearly a decade, and if they still don't face it, there isn't anything i can do.

But at least she respected that I have a life and schedule and stuff I have to do, and it's 2 hours away from them, this was their choice, so that's just how it is. I want them to move here. I want them to sell that house and buy in at a very lovely adult community, apartment, medical care on site, transportation if needed, the whole nine yards, and I'm 20 minutes away and can visit often. It would make sense. I'm not looking for a big fat inheritance, I just want them to have a pleasant old age, and not so far away that every crisis is hugely stressful.

Catherine said...

Oh, and re Aunsara yoga - I was completely clueless and just Googling yoga stuff, found an Anusara studio near me, Googled it, and thought it might be a style of yoga I could tolerate. (Yes, that's how cynical I am.) Then the Boss gave me a package of lessons there because he's doing yoga someplace else and wanted to sign me up at his studio but the commute is a problem for me, so I'm in for at least six weeks, but I think it's a keeper. So far, definitely good, it's very grounded in basic body and breathing with a gently spiritual component, and I really am getting into it. I like the instructor, he's relaxed and natural, not very polished and faux-yogi like Turban Boy, but I think he really gets the spirituality and isn't faking it. It's good.