Friday, February 04, 2005

Embracing the Void, Change

all that wifty shit.

I reread last night's post and laughed at myself - such is the power of bitching at everybody, laughing at the Dilbertworld crap of this week, followed by a long, hot bath with a big glass of chardonnay. When I wrote that I was PUMPED, baby! The reality of change is it's drudgery. And it's scary. And the familiar is safe, even when all we do is bitch about it. Even the bitching feels safe and comfortable.

Changing jobs - yes, I loathe my current job, I'm unchallenged and overworked at the same time. There is no reason to think it's going to get better. Yet the thought of changing jobs is depressing and a little scary, because of that Unknown. And I'm in no hurry to do it, so I will take my time and make a wise decision, but a decision will be necessary unless a miracle happens. Who knows, maybe reason will hit management and they will hire us a secretary and give me more money and freedom to do what I do best. And maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt....

Losing weight - oh yeah, this ties to the "why do we do things that aren't good for us, even when we know that we LIKE the things that are good for us?" thing. Because change is scary and takes commmitment and commitment is hard even when it's really fun to do. It's so easy to make excuses. I was sick, I had to travel, business lunches, I couldn't insult my mother by not eating that cake, on and on. The reality is eating right isn't hard or unpleasant, it's just a matter of balancing and controlling and paying attention, and exercise is not torture at all. I love the gym. When I get there I am so happy I went. It's fun, it's really fun. But there's this block in my brain that tries to find reasons that I shouldn't go - "Look at the cat hair tumbleweeds in the living room! You can't be serious about going OUT!" Not that I would necessarily grab the vacuum instead of going to the gym, just that my brain frantically looks for reasons I should not go, and I have to shout it down. Shouting it down is suddenly easier.

I think it's because I reached the Great Fuck You Point. I'm dissatisfied when I go to work, I'm dissatisfied when I look into the mirror, I see my life ticking by and I don't want to live it dissatisfied.

Knitting World - I finished sleeve one of the plain cardigan and have moved to sleeve two. This is my first top-down seamless cardigan and I will never go back to working in pieces. It's so simple and so much nicer than flat knitting. This weekend is mine. I declared it so. I have things I need to do, but I'm going to do what I want to do.

Red. I'm thinking a red Shapely Tank is a good red thing. Symbolic, powerful, a bit sexy yet wearable, and made in the size I am shrinking to, a fun incentive. I am not a lightning knitter, God knows - which will get done first, the diet or the tank? I have red Cotton-ease in the stash from hell. Cotton-ease is darn nice yarn, soft, easy to work with, quite springy thanks to its acrylic component. Try it, you'll like it, and it's cheap.

And on that note, I shall go work on a sleeve. Because I want this cardie off the needles and two projects knocked down from the 25 list. I'm down 5 pounds, 20 to go. 1 project, 24 to go.


Anonymous said...

I'm working on doing the job-changing thing right now, and it is a little scary. I think you get to a point after you've been in a negative situation for so long, your mind will try to convince you every situation is going to be the same. I'm trying to banish those thoughts by thinking of something really unbearable about the job when I get those "Oh, but doing nothing would be so much easier." No, it won't.

And top-down knitting does rule. Check out my blog for the 'slightly redesigned for top-down knitting' eyelet cardi from Chicknits I'm working on. It's the only way to go for baboon-armed people like myself.


Catherine said...

Yes, exactly, and I see people in my office who have been there a while who are like abused spouses - they hate their lives but are afraid to leave because they've convinced themselves that the next situation will be the same or worse. I've only been at this place a year and a half and I know that the entire world isn't like this, and I have seen this place get worse just since I got here. But even though I know this place is the pits, I'm still dreading the effort of getting out. I just know it's something I have to do.

Geogrrl said...

Well, it's the old "Devil you know" syndrome.

But get your ass out of there. I can tell from your posts that you've been unhappy a while. I stayed two years too long in a job where I was unhappy, bored, and stressed. It damn near ruined my health. Becoming very ill was the kick in the ass I needed to make me realize that life was just too short to put up with that kind of crap.

Anonymous said...

I'm not in any position to give advice, so I won't. But just an example: I quit my job as a corporate lawyer 11 months ago after 11 years in the practice of law. I didn't have anywhere to go except home. And I did. And it was wonderful, and I never looked back. Now, I am planning on starting a new career (complete with many years of graduate school - eep!) at the ripe age of 36. It was not courageous. It was survival instinct. I am not the same person as I was then. I am happy. Poor, but happy. Good luck to you!