Thursday, February 03, 2005

I do love R.E.M.

Stand in the place where you live
Now face north
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven’t before
Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven’t before

If I were a really cool blogger I'd have an audio link for that, but I'm still the same lazy HTML minimalist I've always been.

Stuff is happening. In the Boss's profound words, which I think he glommed from a yoga instructor (who is a flake but even stopped clocks are right twice a day) it's time to "embrace the void." We are in the void. The insanity level has ratcheted up in Corporate World. The bail out message is flashing in big red letters. But the plane isn't crashing, in fact, they love and adore us, it's just not mutual. (I should clarify that this mutual love is on the local/regional level, with the people we work with, but the international corporate machine is another matter entirely. We hate them, we are dust mites and they don't care that we exist.)

This week has been a steady series of messages that it's time to plan an exit strategy. Our issues are in the hands of those who can make life better, and it will either happen or it won't. But either way, it's time to plan a careful and profitable exit strategy. But unless the Clue Fairy whaps management with a baseball bat (she'd have to beat it to a bloody pulp, I think) and things miraculously change for the better, it's time to strap on the parachute - cheap nylon, not golden - and jump. We're putting out feelers, individually and together.

Together is the thing. We are really, really damn good together. We are five or six people between us. We do multi-million dollar complex cases that in a REAL law firm would be staffed by a partner, one or two associates, a paralegal or two, a secretary or two, a runner, a copy service and a mailroom. We do it with just our own two little tired, flaky, eccentric middle-aged selves. And we're damn good. Neither one of us wants to think about breaking this up. It's worth it to take our time and see if we can move as a package - we've done it before, twice.

But my rule is no more corporate gigs. Two is enough for one lifetime. If he wants to go in-house somewhere else, my office husband and I will be getting divorced. Other men are always hitting on me. We were doing our usual Tracy and Hepburn repartee and he gave me the "You won't have this much fun anywhere else..." and I said, "Well, there's Randy, there's Steve, and Tony...they're really fun too." Steve was my boss many years ago, and I started talking about him to a secretary in the office, describing our working relationship, and Boss said, "This is so weird, I'm here feeling all jealous, like my wife is telling me about her previous hot lovers...." It's good to let men know you're desirable to other men, even in a platonic work relationship.

This girl has been around the legal block, I am a babe who puts out 23 million dollar claim killing investigative work, I am the best complex litigation paralegal analyst most of these boys have ever met. They covet their colleague's paralegal. I have suitors.

He does too, I think he could have another job in a week of hint-dropping among our friends. Then it comes to the sticky parts of money, location, are we a package or not. Damn, this is like two-working-spouse corporate transfer when you think about it. No wonder people sometimes ask if we're married - we are.

In other news - Bess is walking around inside my head again, ruminating about why we let ourselves fall from healthy, positive and fun paths that make us happy. I don't know, but I've done it at least a half dozen times in the past year and a half.

This time it's different for me - this isn't entirely me deciding to change, this is me sensing change all around me, and embracing it. Life is changing, and I don't know how but I don't see much choice other than to go along with it. It includes the weight loss and exercise and all that jazz - I want it. I crave it. I am SO glad I rejoined the gym. I come home from work tired and I don't want to go, but I make myself go, and I'm so glad when I get there, and an hour of exercise makes my head so clear. Followed by a hot bath and a glass or two of wine, and I sleep so well and my dreams are so pleasant. Why did I sit on my ass and not exercise? I don't know. I can only conclude I was not ready for change - my mind was, but my soul wasn't. But I realized, when I looked around me at the browbeaten rabbits in the other cubes, that this is my life, and I'm spending it not looking as good as I could or in a job I enjoy or making enough money, and it all just hit a head when the external messages and the internal voices became too much to ignore.

And after all the internal and external messages collided, over and over, and I was feeling really strongly that something had to change and we have to be strong enough to do it, WWREMD? This song was on the radio.

Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
If wishes were trees, the trees would be falling
Listen to reason
Season is calling

Yeah, baby. I'm so ready.

Knitting - plain beige cardigan. Definitely time to cast on something RED.

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