Saturday, August 02, 2008

I am officially no longer a cat person.

With apologies to Phoebe Buffay

Fucking cats, fucking cats, why am I feeding you?
Fucking cats, fucking cats, it's all your fault.

I really do take you to the vet,
Though you're not my favorite pets,
And I sink ever deeper in debt,
It's all your fault.

I have to buy you expensive food,
Or the carpet is bombed with runny poo,
But today, today you really proved,
Dogs are so much better than you-ooo.

Last week I brought home the new red chair,
The one my mother didn't want there,
In the apartment she bitched about.
(She's a lot like you-ooo.)

I carefully covered it with a sheet,
Desperately trying to keep it neat,
So at least you would not shed,
When you of course made it your bed,
But my sheets, they are not waterproof.

So the one with orange hair,
The one I called The Good Cat (so unfair),
Yakked up a hairball on the brand new chair,
Because he had to mark it as theirs.

Fucking cats, fucking cats, why am I feeding you?
You shit, you shed, you have puked ON my bed,
I cannot take you for a walk,
You ignore me when I talk,
Fucking cats, fucking cats,
It's allll yourr faulllt!

Ask me about my day! Don't comment on my lyrics, I wrote them in one draft and haven't even proofread.

12 comments:

Tigers said...

I have 3 and have to keep them separated - no easy task
2 wee in the lounge, so they have to be watched very carefully and 1 chucks up regularly -yesterday it was on my bed!
I feel your pain.

zippiknits said...

How was your day? :) That bad was it?

Catherine said...

My day was fine, just busy, but coming home at the end of a long day to A HAIRBALL IN THE NEW CHAIR was truly the last straw.

Anonymous said...

Well my Yorkie just barfed on my new Oriental carpet! So can't just blame the cats. I hope "things" start to even out for you. MK

Toni said...

I am trying a new fancy schmancy cat treat that is supposed to help with hairballs, if you are interested I will let you know if it really works. Laxatone also helps keep those suckers in control, the problem is if they hate it they can flick it all over the place it's not fun to chip that stuff off of the walls. Ask me how I know.

carlarey said...

My sister's cat used to climb on something high, like the refrigerator or a bookshelf and hack a hairball. They are bad enough when you find one on the floor or or the furniture, but when they come flying at you in mid-air? Nasty.

needlefingers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
needlefingers said...

If you want an interesting coincidence, I just cleaned up a hairball/corn husk ball not five minutes ago, then I read this on your blog.

Yeah, I was silly enough to leave corn still in the husk lying on the kitchen floor, and goofus ingested a 2 1/2" piece. The cat eats everything, including tufts of hair from the other cat, and of course pukes it all up. Joy.

ChelleC said...

Your little ditty was very cute and made me laugh! It also reminded of my why . . . even when I'm sorely tempted, I don't get a cat, but keep only a small dog. He does get sick but very rarely, and not the constant hairballs - not even to mention the litter box mess etc. I feel for you. Things are tough right now, but you're still able to laugh about it.

Catherine said...

Kittens are precious. I am always lured by the power of a kitten. I have to remind myself that it will become a cat. Dogs are higher maintenance in the sense that you have to interact with them more, but they also provide more satisfying return for your cleanup efforts. The litterbox is the least of it! When these cats were younger, they knocked over and broke living room lamps more than once. I used to buy replacement lamps at Target regularly. Now they are old and slow, so they just require very expensive food and stir occasionally to throw up on the furniture. I had sworn there would be no new furniture until they were dead, but they're outliving my living room.

ellen said...

"Waiting for the Cat to Die" is a no-win situation. It thrills the cat and keeps him alive longer.

Catherine said...

Ellen, that is priceless, and so true! I've always said that Higgins is so healthy at 13 because he is determined to survive the others and become an only cat! One down, one to go.