Thursday, April 23, 2009


Thursday morning, vacation begins. I gave myself days on each end to make MDS&W truly relaxing. I had considered - seriously considered - driving. I don't mind the drive; it's a lot of hours, but give me a good book on CD and I'm okay. Or, I was. I am not really sure that post Brain Thang Catherine can do it - I mean, I could DO it, but would I arrive too wiped out and zone-y and cranky to enjoy it? And then do the same drive back on Monday? Expedia came through - direct round trip and a rental car for maybe a tank of gas more than the round trip drive would have cost. I'm flying this time.

And boy, do I need this. You have no idea.

But - good things - tomorrow the Granddog will be here to break in the new furniture. We will give it a stress test. He will have to adjust to the idea that this is not all loose cushions, like my old furniture and Mommy's sectional sofa, and he can't burrow in the same way. I will buy him extra throw pillows. I really will - if he wants a couch fort, what's a couple of extra big pillows? (Yes, I will also indulge future human grandkids like that - it's not just for dogs.) I get him for the week, because Girl will return the favor by moving in here next Friday, to care for the herd while I am gone - she is only on duty for two nights, because I'm flying. I'm home Sunday evening, but off on Monday and Tuesday as well. Two short weeks at the office. Badly, badly needed.

I'm not stressed by the job, or overworked, or above my head - I'm still waiting for the job to start. It has been a year. I have joined committees, smiled til my face hurt, wandered the office sucking up to people, and still feel like an outsider. Yeah, I think I gave it enough time to show promise - as I ranted to my cousin on the phone, I am not 30. I will be 51 at the end of June. I am not making enough money to make "sticking it out through a bad economy" worth it - hell, I can't even afford a 401K at this gig. I am once again paddling as hard as I can to barely keep my nose above water. As Gawd IS Mah Witnuss, this is my LAST PARALEGAL JOB. Seriously. I had a pretty damn good run, in the small pond in which I swam, but I'm on the downward luge ride. This job, that never became a real job, was the last straw.

So Catherine is at another turning point - and this is the biggie. I will ride this pathetic train until it runs off the tracks, or I can't stand it anymore, but either way something has to give in the next six months. I am not sure what I will do next. If I can put this house on the market and walk away free and clear tomorrow, baby, I'll do it. But then, where? What? I have no freaking clue.

It'll come. I'll leap, and a net will appear. Right now, though, I feel like Indiana Jones taking that step onto the invisible bridge.


caroline said...

Oh, woman, I soOOOOO know that feeling. And I think I may also be stepping out onto that invisible bridge again. sigh. At least we've still got the guts to jump.

Catherine said...

I think the guts get easier with age. There are far worse things than taking a gamble - like not taking it.

k said...

I have a bunch of safety nets in place - and jumping is still scaring the poop out of me. But, I'm jumping.
(OMGWHYWHYWHY!!!!) (No, really. It will be great.) (Continue alternating till you pass out.)

Catherine said...
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Catherine said...

Fixing previous incoherence. NOT leaping can be scarier than just leaping. The thought of being where I am now, a year from now - hell, no.