Thursday, May 14, 2009

Thurrrssdaayy...

Sorry, it's been a tiring week. Not a bad week. Just weird week of doing things and rethinking goals and trying to guess at the future. In other words - the usual Bossy Dog World week.

I'm always befuddled and sort of fascinated by people whose lives are fixed in place, with an identified path forward. I always thought I'd be one of those people. Somehow, I failed to check a box on some cosmic form, somewhere, and now I'm in an endless cycle of uneven ground. Not dramatically thin ice, at least not yet - rather just an endless hike on new paths where it'd be really easy to twist, or even bust, an ankle.

I have a job, which in this world is a big yay. I am not making enough money to save for retirement - boo. I have no viable plans for a better job where I is, and would have to spend major bucks of minor "keep me in my old age" funds to transition from where I IS to elsewhere. So, I am where I am, but it's a slow erosion of my future.

And so, my tentative yet viable on paper plan was to hang where I is until I get laid off, and then have COBRA health benefits under me while transitioning to a new path. And dammit, so far they are not interested in laying me off! It's so damn weird - I wanted my last job to work and the company went belly up; this time, all the on paper stuff doesn't work - I can't keep going on the pay cut I took coming to this job. I didn't anticipate the lack of advancement, the gas prices and tolls to get there, and the lack of hours left over at the end of the day to do anything else.

Yet, when I went to the boss's boss and delicately hinted that if I were to get laid off, I would be okay with this, you know.... He immediately began defending my long-term prospects, and hooked me up with yet another frustrating, boring project in another department. I am delighted to be wanted, really I am! But financially, this is the equivalent of an undiagnosed plumbing leak that results in a 20,000 water bill at the end of the year. Like the company, love the people, but I just can't afford to to do this another year, and I'd rather be tossed overboard with the modest life preserver of being able to pay shitloads for health coverage, vs. not being able to get it at all. (That last part is for the benefits of my faithful readers from places with universal health care, so they may appreciate the nuances of living in the good ol' USA).

But I honestly do love the people I am working with now. They are the nicest, smartest, most lovable bunch in my entire working life. Unfortunately, the long term prognosis for my fiscal survival is pretty bleak.

I am so tired of walking on rocky paths where the ground occasionally collapses and my foot goes into a hole. I always pull it out, because I have gotten really that good at this. But it has become very old, and I ain't getting any younger either.

But tomorrow we are all going on a picnic, and it will be fun. It could be worse - the money, commute and my actual job could all suck, and I could hate the people too. But I don't. I love the people and admire the company. It's just wrong place, wrong time, wrong role.

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