Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Coping.

It's only Wednesday and I'm SO tired. Apparently my exhaustion is contagious, because the dogs are both snoring and showing no signs of wanting to get up and pee. I'm stealing a few minutes to drink coffee and blog from my bed, which is very, very hard to leave today. I stayed a little late at the office yesterday. The traditional end of the day crisis arrived by email just before 5, and I tried to sort it out. I think I found a partial answer, and in doing so discovered a lack of information in our own files, and was searching online official records and downloading documents - now that I think I've found this hole in our information, I can spend some time today fixing it.

I'm cultivating coping mechanisms to deal with the grind of my working life. When I feel trapped in a situation that wears me down, I tend to go directly to the worst possible responses. I'm feeling like a hamster on a wheel lately, and resenting the tiny window of time between getting home from work, evening chores, and bed. I don't have much "me time" now, and that makes me depressed and resentful.

I've been digging myself into a rut for months now. I've been coming home from work, pouring a glass of wine, making dinner/feeding walking dogs, pouring another glass of wine, piddlefarting around on the computer or watching TV, and going to bed - lather, rinse, repeat. My wine consumption increased as my productivity and creativity slowed to a halt. I'd think about things I'd like to do, like fool around with my camera, write anything at all, or knit, hell, cleaning out my office would make me feel good and would be an accomplishment. But I've been coming home so burned out, I don't do any of those things. It's hardly an original situation, and my coping mechanisms have been similarly un-original. I saw this pattern developing and feared it would become permanent, and have been working on fixing it.

I came across this book on Amazon: The Day Job Survival Kit: For Writers, Artists, Crafters, and Anyone Else with a Dream

I actually borrowed it at first, via the Amazon Prime Kindle one-book-a-month lending program, and loved it enough to buy it. I am re-reading it now, and nodding along with nearly every chapter - preach it, sister! It's not an airy, pie-in-the-sky book of inspiration, it's a very practical and grounded guide to squeezing a little creative juice out of days that are not your own. I am inspired, and actually thinking of things I can do to feel more in command of my time and not let my day job own me.

And I bought myself a random present, because dammit, I deserve it! Monday evening, while I was listlessly surfing the Internet, I clicked on Amazon and found a one day only sale on Fire HD 7, 7" HD Display, Wi-Fi, 8 GB - Includes Special Offers, Black - it was HALF PRICE, and I had a balance on a gift card and a credit card point balance, and it was clearly a Sign from the Universe. So I bought it. It'll be here tomorrow, and I'll see if it will take the place of my beloved but too big fit comfortably in my purse iPad. I've been contemplating an iPad mini, but couldn't bring myself to spend that kind of money right now.

I've found a little time for me this morning. I'm on my second cup of coffee, blogging in bed while the dogs snore. I can't do this every morning, but I'm going to make a more conscious effort to take time. But right now it's time to get these lazy creatures up and get them out to pee, so I can get started on my long, long day. Meditation, knitting, reading, writing must be a part of every day. I will find time.

3 comments:

carlarey said...

Is there any way you could set yourself up as a freelance consultant? It seems like your specialized knowledge and work experience would give you a good client base.

Catherine said...

I wish I could, but I freelanced for a few months between a builder going under and my next job a few years ago, and learned the perils of single income freelancing. You can't count on clients paying before the mortgage is due.

besshaile said...

{{{hugs}}}}

And thanks for the book suggestion.