I started to write this yesterday but didn't push "Publish." I had one of those irrational moments of paranoia - Oh Noes, I can't speak about my work life in public! What if I am Discovered???!!!
And then two things struck me:
1: I am always circumspect about discussing details about my working life (hell, all of my life, really) online, and even if "discovered" I don't say anything I wouldn't own; and
2: That form of irrational paranoia is the kind that accompanies depression. My mother had awful, life-destroying depression (untreated - a subject for many rants), and when it was particularly dark, she was paranoid as hell and desperately wanted me to share her delusions. It never took, really, but one can't quite shake off years of early indoctrination that the world is out to get you and you must keep everything secret. My upbringing was really quite Gothic horror. Maybe someday I'll have time to write about it, but as one of my cousins who knew the situation well once said, nobody'd believe it. It would read like fiction. But I digress.
I don't even have the energy to rant right now. I gave myself a slothful weekend of couch time, and I felt exhausted and depressed on Monday morning. I'm dreading the work week. I'm asking myself if I'm being self-pitying (of course I am) and if the whining is justified (yeah, it kinda is.) This job sucks. There, I said it. The money is much better than I was making before, and that is significant, and absolutely important. I needed to change jobs to get more money, because my former employer was going to string me along forever on promises and, well, lies. This is a better company, I respect the founders, I think they are positive and good and full of good intentions. The job itself just sucks. So I'm focusing my energy on paying off bills and preparing myself for yet another change - to what, and where? I have no idea. I'm just trudging through my days, and I don't like living like this.
I had a spontaneous talk with my boss last week. He's a good guy and utterly transparent - so refreshing after my last employer - he's more or less in the same position I am. He totally understands my frustration with the job. He said he'd thought he'd made a mistake coming to this company too, and swore to himself he'd gut it out for two years - but told his wife to not be surprised if he came home one day and said he was DONE. (He's now, oh, eighteen months into that two year plan, a fact I restrained myself from pointing out.) We ended up laughing about our mutual frustrations, and he said if I decided I couldn't take it anymore to let him know, and he'd make some calls (he's been in the business a long time, we know all the same people) and try to help me find a new job. As I said, he's a good guy. I do like the people I work with. I'm just completely burned out on the work, especially when this job consists almost entirely of the most brain-numbing, irritating and unglamorous aspects of the business.
So, we will see how things go with the new guy in charge. I will hope for the best while packing my parachute.