Friday, May 27, 2016

Twas the Night Before Vacation...

OH MY GAWD, WOMAN! You're "going away" for two nights 45 minutes from home, and you're packing and planning and acting like you're sailing off to Timbuktu. STOP ALREADY!

I'm a bit excited about this weekend. We have some fabulous new experiences planned, and of course there is just staying at the resort. This is a Disney "moderate" resort, not the Grand Floridian or the Animal Kingdom Lodge, and we got a discount room rate, and it gets "mixed" reviews on Trip Advisor. Most people sing its praises, and most of the negative reviews are written can I put this? Assholes. They didn't like the food choices at the Pepper Market so they give the whole place one star. The tile in the bathroom "looks dated." Stuff like that. Some of the negative reviews are downright hilarious. Like the Canadian woman who learned there was an alligator in the lagoon and saw a palmetto bug in her room as she was checking out (Florida has alligators and palmetto bugs and Disney doesn't actually have any pixie dust that can direct them off the property; the bug probably wandered in while they were getting their stuff packed up and left the door open). She threw a melodramatic fit all over TripAdvisor! She was going to DIE, attacked by an alligator! She was TERRIFIED!! Nobody told her her life would be in DANGER, and on and on. When the front desk clerk at checkout gently said, "Yes ma'am, this is Florida," and didn't give her a discount for her trauma of VISITING FLORIDA and being TOLD there was an alligator in the water, she proceeded to crap all over the resort in an unintentionally hilarious review. She must be a delight to live with.

I am not put off by an alligator in the lagoon, nor am I bothered by the people who bitch that the decor looks "dated," or any of the other one star whines. The biggest complaint is that OMG, it's so BIG, you have to WALK SO MUCH! Honey, if you're whining about walking to your room at the resort, the parks are gonna kill your lazy ass. It's Disney. You walk. A lot. You sweat. A lot. Whining about walking at Disney is like whining about...alligators in every body of water in Florida. I work in a neat, manicured, suburban office park. We have an alligator in the office park lake. The alligator in the Coronado Springs Resort lagoon thinks that woman was a hysterical idiot and is glad the front desk didn't pander to her obvious trolling for a discount.

The people who like the resort sound a lot more fun. They rave about the lush landscaping and the pool and the poolside games for the kids, and the playground designed like an Mayan archaeological dig, and apparently there's a bartender named Jesus who makes a fabulous margarita. I plan to make it my mission to meet this god of margaritas.

I am not bringing my wee little laptop with me on this trip. I will have my camera and my iPhone so of course I'll be connected to the world, but I do want to take these two nights and three days to unplug from reality as much as I can, and immerse myself in Disney magic and the resort experiences and many, many margaritas.

I'm off to launder and pack and write neurotic dog mom instructions to Sophie's sitter. I'll check in here with far too many photos probably next Tuesday. I suspect I'll be too exhausted Monday night.


Anonymous said...

"Tiles look dated" - that is an unintended feature of my favourite motel chain here. Budget Motels got going buying up motels from the early days of motels in Oz. Clean and smarten them up, make sure everything works, put in good quality new beds and bedding, and don't touch anything that ain't broke.

Well, most of them date from the late 50's and early 60's, and I used to have great fun checking out the bathroom tiles. Especially the floor tiles (they sometimes re-did the wall tiles). Then when we were checking out I would hazard a guess at the vintage of the motel, and I was nearly always right.

I know, I know - small things .........!

Have a wonderful time, and don't tease the alligators ;-}

Gae, in Callala Bay

Anonymous said...

Ohhoney, its not the alligators you have to worry about, it's the crocodiles! Have fun

Catherine said...

Gae: the thing that kills me is the theme of the resort is Spanish Colonial Mexico. I'm not sure how one does "Updated Spanish Colonial Mexico" tile. It has lush landscaping, lots of tile and a Mexican influenced menu. If you don't like that environment, why the hell would you book that resort?

Kimmen: Yes, God help that woman if she knew South FL is having an issue with crocodiles. ;-)

Linda Playter said...

Have fun!

Anonymous said...

i live in east texas .. the swampy 'right by the louisina bayeaus' part of the state- we consider both alligators and big palmetto bugs to be 'Facts of Life'- good for disney for not pandering!!

have fun- look on the happy side i.e. enjoy many many margaritas-
barb in texas

Karen said...

Coronado Springs is my favorite Disney resort! It's absolutely beautiful. I hope you found the hammocks on the beach!